What’s that over there….?



I felt a very strong urge to be transparent today, a need to provide full disclosure (update on FULL DISCLOSURE, I started writing this post on OCTOBER 25TH, 2016!  Oh the irony.).  I don’t know that I owe it to anyone but myself, but maybe it’s just a way for me to hold myself accountable, reflect, and maybe help others in doing so…

I have filled my life with a ton of distractions as of late (and the majority of my life, if I’m being entirely honest).  Since returning from my amazing, fun-filled, week-long bender on The Yacht Week in Greece, I have found myself less and less interested in adulting.  It’s been harder to get myself motivated and to stay productive.  I’ve barely been going to the grocery store and have found myself spending entirely too much time on social media, texting, and making plans to do anything other than what needs to be done, including self reflection.

Luckily, one of these distractions, the gym, also leads to self improvement, so I have still been moving and continuing to fitness.  The gym is also the source of my new-found tribe.  Some of my now-closest friends – male and female – who lift me up, help me grow, and hold me accountable.  Some of who, in such a short amount of time, I have felt comfortable enough to share things with that I’ve never shared before.  I feel fortunate and very grateful for this.

Recently I was discussing this lack of motivation/productivity with one of these amazing humans.  I told him that no matter how many lists I made or what kind of schedule I made for myself to take control of my day, I would often ignore both of these things and waste hours doing unproductive things, which then led to me being disappointed in myself for wasting all this precious time when I have so many things I want to do.

While I have been intending to put some kind of morning routine in place to find a center and set the right tone for my day, I ignore that desire and start my day by tending to all of the little red dots on my phone alerting me of pending notifications.  This takes me down the rabbit hole of doing what I need to do to make them all go away, which starts with checking emails (which makes me immediately overwhelmed) and ends with social media (which keeps me mindlessly scrolling).  Before I know it, I have been awake for an hour or more and haven’t even gotten out of bed.

Upon further discussion with my friend, we uncovered that the reason I am doing this is because I want to distract myself.  There are a lot of uncomfortable feelings that come with major life changes, which if you are new here, have pretty much consumed the last year or two of my life.  And though I wouldn’t trade where I am at currently for much, I haven’t necessarily processed or dealt with all of the feelings about the things that have taken place to get me here.  I’ve just kind of been caught up in all the awesome and haven’t taken the time to process or grieve.

**This is where the original entry on October 25th ends..**

Over the last 7 months I have been actively digging deep, asking myself tough questions and creating a self awareness that is at often times exhausting.  Here are some things I have come to realize…

  • I was unconsciously avoiding sunsets due to the PTSD of the last month of my dissolving marriage (more on that in another post).
  • I likely have some sort of past trauma that has blocked out the majority of my childhood from memory.  Not to be dramatic, but still something I need to take some time to uncover and deal with to move through.
  • I’ve uncovered some behaviors that I’m not necessarily happy with and am working daily to change.  These behaviors come up mostly in romantic relationships, so reflecting on patterns in previous relationships, creating awareness, and developing tools to deal with them going forward has been on my daily to do list.
  • I know what I am passionate about, and what I love doing most, but am still struggling to determine how that relates to my purpose, what exactly that is, and how to spend the rest of my life doing it.  Most days I feel like I am throwing anything to the wall to see what sticks, but I’m actually becoming okay with that.  Eventually I will narrow it down and figure it out, it’s just going to take some time.
  • I’ve realized that the whole time I was struggling to put a “morning routine” into place, I kind of already had one.
  • All of this freedom of working remotely and on a 24/7 schedule was making me kind of crazy and just providing the structure of a 4-hour block required each day made me much more sane again and I have been able to find a good flow.
  • I don’t give myself enough credit for all of the work I have been doing internally.  It’s friggen hard, y’all.

My days are still plagued with distractions, but I have learned to give myself a break and just ask myself if I am moving the needle on something each day.  I know what I want/need to do and what it takes to get there, but life happens, so throwing in a little grace and compassion is necessary.

I honestly can’t believe how comical it is that I was too distracted to even finish this post for 7 months.  That’s life.

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